We have never lived alone. We have always been with others. As a baby we were secure and protected in the unconditional love of our mother and father; when older we had the love and support of our family and relatives; once we began school and went to college, we had the company and encouragement of our friends; then it was the employer and the colleagues at work; later on it was our life partner and children. Despite having so much of love and support throughout our lives, and having had the experience of love and relationships right from birth, we have still not learnt how to manage love and maintain good relationships in life.
Right from birth we have our own individuality. Our wants, likes and dislikes become stronger as we grow and later on they are paramount in our lives. When our family, friends and others around us do not cooperate with our self importance and our desires, we get angry with them. Differences of opinion, raised voices, improper tones and wrong words all lead to fights and distance between our loved ones and us. Lack of understanding, inability to compromise or give in and accept the others point of view all add up to the problems, anger and fall out in relationships.
Most of us are aware where we are heading in our relationships. The expectations, the need to be understood without words, always wanting to be the priority in other people’s lives, the need for power and need to control and manipulate others is there in us and we are aware of our shortcomings. We are not able to change ourselves as we do not make it a habit of putting the others first or try to understand them. Anger is the first reaction and it is the matchstick with starts the fire of destruction in any relationship.
Differences of opinion always exist between two people but these differences should be accepted. These differences should not create distance in the heart or relationships. When we resolve our differences let us keep the closeness of love in our hearts. Let us always remember why we loved that person and that love is important and differences are not. Listen to this hoary tale of how to keep love in relationships:
A Hindu saint who was visiting river Ganges to take bath found a group of family members on the banks, shouting in anger at each other. He turned to his disciples smiled and asked: why do people shout in anger at each other?
The disciples thought over for some time and one of them replied: we shout as we lose our calm. The saint questioned: what is the need to shout when the person is next to you. You can also speak to him in a soft manner or in a quieter voice. The disciples thought over and came up with various explanations. But none of the answers were acceptable to all of them.
Finally the saint explained to all of them: When two people are angry with each other, there is distance in between their hearts. To cover that distance, they shout at each other in order to be heard. The angrier they get, the greater is the distance and the more they have to shout in order to be heard.
The saint continued: when people fall in love the situation is very different. The distance between the hearts is bridged and they are very close to each other. They speak softly. They whisper loving words. As their love deepens, they just look into each other’s eyes and know what the other person is thinking or feeling. There is no need for words at all. People become very close to each other when they are in love with each other.
He looked at his disciples and said: When you argue with your family or friends, do not say words which will distance your hearts from each other. If your words are harsh and hurtful the distance will grow more and more. Then a day comes when the distance is so great, it will not be possible to communicate with each other and you will not be able to find the path to return.
Let us learn to address our differences and resolve our distances and maintain closeness in relationships. Loving relationships are a result of conscious work and not haphazard hit and miss accidents.
