We look at others and judge them by their looks; when someone speaks, we judge them by their speech. We like or dislike someone by the color of his skin or hair or figure or type of shoes he wears. When we judge others we stop ourselves from understanding them. And when we judge, we are also judged and most often, misunderstood. In order to have a good and loving relationship with our partner, family, friends and at work, we need to stop judging and start understanding.
Nothing is what it appears on the surface. We cannot understand anyone in a few sessions of meetings or talks. Within a few minutes of meeting someone, we label them as smart, stupid, intelligent, surly, cheerful, sad etc. By not making an effort to understand them, we are passing judgement on ourselves. Our moods and emotions are not stable even during a single day. Events of the day make us happy or surly or angry or depressed. But we get over them and are our normal selves. It is wrong to judge or be judged by short moods or swings of life.
During the stages of our life as child, teenager, young adult, adult and old person we are very different. Each stage of life brings a different approach to life and also develops different qualities in us. The physical strength, innocence, freshness of approach, mental maturity, intellectual growth, emotional stability, wisdom all grow at varying levels in different phases of life. To know and understand a person, we need to persevere in understanding the person over a period of time and let go of judgement. This story is a great example:
There was a wise man whose four sons lacked maturity and wisdom. He wanted them to learn how to understand events and people and not pass quick judgements. So he sent them out to go and observe at a huge mango tree which grew at a great distance near a mountain.
The first son went in the winter season, the second son visited during the spring, the third son trekked there in summer and the youngest son camped there before the fall. When all were back, the father called them together and asked them to describe what they had observed during their visit.
The first son said that the mango tree was without any beauty and twisted and gnarled. It was simply not worth the long journey to see the tree. The second son said perhaps eldest brother was blind as when he saw the mango tree in spring, it was full of light green and golden leaves and buds and had an enticing fragrance. It was a symbol of a great future. The third brother said that the mango tree was magnificent and full of leaves and green mangoes. Many birds and little animals took shelter in its greenery. To rest under the shade of the tree and the cool breeze was heaven. Perhaps his brothers had not observed the full truth of the reality of the tree. The last son said all his brothers were idiots and born blind as they could not see the tree bent with the luscious golden fruits and enjoy the happy twitter of the birds and chatter of the monkeys there. The tree was a haven to man, bird and beast. It was a symbol of life and fulfillment.
An explosion broke out between the brothers with each one calling the other names and claiming what he saw to be true. The wise man stopped their fight and explained to them that what all of them had observed was right and true. He added that though what each explained was true, it was incomplete as they had seen only one season of the tree’s life. He explained to them that it is not possible or right to judge a tree or a thing or a person by one season only. It is possible to know and understand the essence of a person or anything only when we are with them through all their seasons of life, through their joys and sorrows, through their seasons of pains and pleasures and through their ups and downs in life. If we give up on the tree or man when its winter, we will fail to see the developing beauty during spring, the growth and ripeness later.
Understanding a person means preserving through all the difficult patches of his life with the faith that better times come. Every person has a story to tell, a hidden pain which shapes him. When we approach him with understanding, he may reveal his true self to us. This leads to new lessons in understanding of others and self and new lessons in life. This richness and treasures cannot be got from books but only by experience and right approach. When we approach others with this understanding, love and compassion come as fruits and life is full of love and promise. One of the finest results of this approach is the understanding it gives us of ourselves.
